


We Watch You A Scary Christmas

by Mothbaubles



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Christmas Party, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, secret santa (but not really)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:28:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mothbaubles/pseuds/Mothbaubles
Summary: Elias throws a Christmas party at the institute with the Archival staff and a few of his “acquaintances.” Shenanigans ensue!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	We Watch You A Scary Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> No clue when this takes place but it’s between seasons 3-4.
> 
> just a warning, no one had Beta read this at all  
> Also this is my first fic! hi

“We are having a Christmas party in the archives tomorrow!”

No one expected Elias to burst into the breakroom, startling the archival staff. He was wearing an uncharacteristically festive jumper. It was horrible and covered in eyes for some reason. Before the abrupt interruption, Jon, Martin, Melanie, and Georgie had been huddled around the keurig, each nursing a mug of tea. Georgie had come to visit Melanie, and brought the admiral with her. He was sat on the counter, rubbing against her shoulder affectionately.

“...You realize not everyone here celebrates that _particular_ holiday, right?” Jon says. “Besides, this is hardly time for a party.”

Elias gave him an indignant look, and folded his arms. 

“Well then, it can be a nondescript holiday party instead. I’ll be organizing the events and such, you just need to arrive.” He ignored Jon’s added comment.

“And what if we don’t want to go to some nonsense Chr-- _holiday_ party?” Melanie questioned.

“Then you’ll be marked absent from work without excuse.”

There was barely any time to protest before Elias gave that smug little smirk of his and left the room. Even if no one cared about work, they were bound to the institute by the watcher. Looks like they would just have to stomach it.

***

Upon entering the break room, it looked like Santa Claus threw up all over the place. There were streamers and tinsel strung up everywhere, hanging from the ceiling and walls in various shades of red, green, and white. A small christmas tree sat in the corner, and through a set of mini speakers poured cheesy christmas classics. It was charming, but gaudy. Seated at the coffee table were six individuals, all clad in horrible jumpers just like Elias.

“Oh you made it!” Elias greeted the Archival staff like a cat would greet mice. The look in his eyes was not something to gamble on. 

“Yes, unfortunately.” said Jon. 

“I hope you don’t mind but I invited a few...acquaintances.” Elias gestured to the other people sitting around the table. A few of them stopped chatting and turned to face the new arrivals. Martin let out a gasp, and gave Elias a look.

“Why would you- Is that Annabelle Cane?” he pointed at the woman with spidery eyes and a noticeable crater in the side of her head, which was cobwebbed over. Her jumper was purple, and it was difficult to tell if the spiders covering it were real or not.

“Problem, Martin?” Annabelle grinned. He felt Elias’s voice snake into his head, saying _don’t you_ **_dare_ ** _cause a scene. Don’t even think about it. Say no._

“Erm- no.”

Nikola’s head swivelled around like a manic owl as the rest of her body stayed in place.

“Ooo look at the menagerie! Good to see you again little archivist!”

Jon was taken aback. He didn’t expect so many of these _monsters_ to be invited directly into the archives. Here was Nikola Orsinov, alive and well, sitting in the break room wearing an ugly jumper.

“D-didn’t you _die?_ ”

“Let’s just say they put me back together again, just like Humpty Dumpty! I was here and there and _everywhere_ in little bits and pieces! Doesn’t that sound fun?”

He didn’t respond. No one did. The room fell silent aside from Bing Crosby’s sweet sweet voice singing _“Winter Wonderland”_ from inside the speakers. 

“So! Elias! I heard you had some wonderful activities planned for today!” Helen piped up. She was there too, unsurprisingly, and her jumper was covered in fuzzy, garish colors and swirls. It was stitched in a way that was just _slightly_ off, and it almost looked as if the seams were impossible. 

“Ah yes Helen! Today we have karaoke, drinks, charades, and a secret santa.”

“Not so secret with you and Jon around, is it?” Peter Lukas scoffed. He looked oddly cosy in his blue turtle-necked jumper compared to his attitude. A small, thin man sitting next to him snickered. Inside of his own galaxy-colored jumper, the old man looked _very_ tiny indeed. 

“What are you gigglin’ about Simon?”

“Oh I believe you’re being quite the prick Peter! Loosen up a little, for god's sake it’s Christmas!”

“Bleugh. You _know_ how much I hate holidays. Too many-”

“-Too many people and smiles and warmth. Yes, yes. I know.”

“I don’t recall you being a bloody patron of the eye, Fairchild.”

“And here I thought we were _so_ compatible, yet you’re an argumentative bastard as always-”

“I hate to interrupt,” said Georgie, “but are we just going to ignore the fact that these freaks have been terrorizing us for months?”

“You flatter us Georgina!” Nikola cooed. She turned her torso around to align with her head, crossing her legs in the process. Georgie put a hand to her forehead, and creased her eyebrows with a sigh.

Elias scanned the room. _So boring! We should just get on with the party already._ He thought to himself. The weasel of a man cleared his throat, demanding everyone’s attention.

“Let’s get started with some karaoke, shall we?”

***

Begrudgingly the archival staff and the avatars arranged their chairs to face the spot where Elias had wheeled in the karaoke machine. There was a large ‘FOR RENTAL USE ONLY’ sticker on it’s base. It was dingy and cheap.

“Now then, I believe teams are in order.”

“Teams?” if Peter had been drinking water, he would have choked on it.

“Yes,” Elias continued, “two people for each song.”

“Do we get to choose our own at least?” asked Martin.

“Yes.”

Martin put a hand on Jon’s shoulder, indicating his preference. Immediately Melanie and Georgie did the same, leaving the avatars to sort amongst themselves. Annabelle paired with Helen, Simon with Nikola, and Peter (to his dismay) was paired with the only remaining option: Elias. He wanted to phase out, disappear into the nebulous fog, but Elias had an iron grip on the sailor.

Everyone had a few minutes to consider songs they wanted to use, and shortly afterwards the karaoke began. First up, Helen and Annabelle sang _“Sleigh Ride.”_ On Helen’s end the melody was discordant and twisted, sometimes repeating phrases. Annabelle on the other hand had a soft kind of voice, lingering on certain notes and emphasizing others. Jon was amused by the performance, but he couldn’t forget how much he hated a good lot of the people around him. _I must stay vigilant. This could be one of Elias’s tricks._

_Jon, with all due respect, shut up._ He shook his head. That wasn’t one of his thoughts, was it? He glanced over at Elias, unamused.

_So this is how I find out we have some sort of psychic connection. Figures._

_I didn’t know you could do it back. Hm, how curious…_

_Get out of my head. I’m pretty damn sure this counts as a breach of workplace privacy._

_Fine, but since you’re being so rude, I’m going to dig around just a_ **_bit._ **

Jon suddenly saw images of Martin pop up in his head. All the times he had watched him stack books, how Martin would sit at that one table in the corner of the break room to write poems, and how Jon secretly longed to close the distance …he violently shook his head, dispelling the invasive thoughts

_ELIAS!_ Jon cast a deadly glare at his boss. Elias was wearing a mischievous smirk, the kind a kid has on their face when they find a hidden stash of pin-up calendars in the attic. He already knew this, but seeing Jon’s direct thoughts for himself highly satisfied his curiosity.

_Alright I’ve had my fun. Go back to your paranoia or something._

Jon felt a faint presence leave his mind, and he was once again alone with his thoughts. He glanced up noticing Simon and Nikola were up now. Seeing the two standing side by side revealed a remarkable height difference. It was so stark in comparison it almost looked silly. They had begun singing a twisted rendition of _“Frosty The Snowman”_ that featured a lot more...limbs than usual. Nikola sang in a very shrilly, nursery-rhyme-esque fashion, adding her own lyrics. Simon felt like she was cramping his style a bit. 

“Frosty the-”

“-flesh man!”

“ _Nikola stop.”_

“I think we’re up now.” Martin said, tugging at Jon’s sleeve. 

“Er- yes. Right.” Jon stood up awkwardly. They walked over to the machine and set up their song. Once the music began, everything changed pace. Not much for Christmas, Jon wasn’t the most enthusiastic _caroller_ , but by god could he make the tepid tunes sound a lot more lively. Melanie was surprised with how intense he made _“Jingle Bell Rock.”_ Martin’s backup vocals were the cherry on top, adding an element of calm to the unhinged cover. By the time it was over, they were both out of breath as they took their seats.

“Jon sings like that?” Melanie asked.  
“Oh yeah. We were in a band in Uni. He was absolutely feral back then! Glad he hasn’t lost his roots.” Georgie whispered back.

“Who could have thought Sims had the lung capacity?”

“Right? Crazy guy, I tell you.”

“Well! Looks like it’s our turn then.”

The couple stepped up to replace Jon and Martin. They decided to duet “My Favourite Things.” It was sweet, watching the two harmonize and alternate lines. Melanie’s voice quaked a bit. She was used to filming a show, not something as voice heavy as a podcast like What The Ghost. Georgie’s vocals took the lead when Melanie couldn’t.

Finally, it was Elias’s turn. He was very excited to rope Peter into having to stand up in front of the whole room, and sing. His patron would feed well on having so many eyes pointed at the sailor. The machine began emanating the dulcet notes of “ _All I Want for Christmas Is You.”_ Peter groaned.

“I don’t want a lot for christmas…” Elais started. He trailed off, waiting for Peter to fill in the gap. Peter just stared, brows furrowed.

“No.”

“ _Peter I swear to the Ceaseless Watcher if you don’t start singing I will call for a divorce summons right now.”_ he hissed.

“...there is just one thing I need.” Peter said in a flat tone. Oh well, better than nothing at least.

“I don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.” Elias grinned, anticipating the next verse.

“...I just want you-” Peter realized what was happening and stopped. “Actually you know what? No. I’m not doing this.” he shut off the machine with an impatient click. 

“But where’s the fun in-” Elias began to protest, thinking he was just going to up and leave, but the sailor had a different plan. He cleared his throat loudly and belted out _“Christmas At Sea” by the Longest Johns._

“The sheets were frozen hard, and they cut the naked hand! The decks were like a slide, where sea men scarce could stand!” Peter stamped his foot to the beat, and the audience began to clap along with the beat. Needless to say, Elias was impressed. When the song was over, everyone in the break room applauded Peter’s performance. 

***

“Time for charades!”

The attendants moods were far better than during the awkward exchanges at the beginning. There was more mingling and cheer. The complimentary drinks certainly helped them all warm up to each other. Everyone grouped together in the same teams for the game, and Elias pulled out a stopwatch, tastefully decorated with an eye. 

“You have one minute to guess! First up, Nikola and Simon!” Elias mainly chose that pair to go first because he was insanely curious how a mannequin and a small old man would do at charades. He whispered into approximately whereabouts an ear was supposed to be on Nikola, giving her the prompt. She nodded like a giddy kid and stepped in front of Simon.

She folded herself inwards, shifting around her limbs until she emerged _quite_ different. The archival staff were deeply uncomfortable. Simon examined the horrifying configuration, and simply guessed:

“Horse?”

“No silly! Guess again!” An arm migrated upwards to imitate a branching structure. 

“Oh! A reindeer! It’s a reindeer isn’t it?” The old chap clapped his hands excitedly.

“Yes!” She quickly de-origami’d herself and bowed. “Your turn!”

Elias gave Simon the prompt. The old man chuckled and took his place. He bent his arms over his head, forming a circle. The space between darkened, forming a shimmering, starry scene within. It looked like the porthole of a spaceship. In the middle, was a star. It was bright and painful to look at. Nikola squinted.

“Star?”

Simon nodded, and put his arms down, getting rid of the scene. Jon tried not to overthink the logistics of it. He’d given up giving things rational explanations when Prentiss attacked.

The rest of the turns went by fast: Helen posed through and around herself to feign opening a door for carollers, Annabelle unfurled an extra pair of arms to form a candelabra, Martin _tried_ his best to be santa, Jon opened several eyes to create a biblically accurate angel, Melanie portrayed the ghost of christmas uh...whenever, Georgie posed as a tree, Elias pretended to be a nutcracker, and finally, Peter was the scrooge.

After more drinks, they chatted. Elias left the room to prepare the next event.

“There was this one fellow I sent on a cruise,” Simon said, “he and the other guests enjoyed it quite a bit, despite his thalassophobia. Mostly he stayed within the bowels of the ship, where it was ‘more like a hotel,’ he said. He and I communicated via mobile phone, so I could check in on what was happening, you see. Didn’t want to miss out on the decline!”

Peter gave a rare smile. He liked this story. Simon told it to him a while ago.

“So one day he called me up all worked up about something. Apparently all the islands that had been so comfortably close just disappeared! Not a speck of land in sight!” he laughed before continuing. “I assume his phone lost its battery at some point. Poor idiot is probably still on that endlessly sailing cruise. The Vast _is_ fairly vast after all.”

“The sea is probably...no... _definitely_ the scariest place on the planet I think. Maybe.” Peter said. “‘Cause like, you got the isolation, the darkness, the big...ness. A ship can capsize, a mutiny can break out, and god knows what’s wriggling around in the ocean.” he was counting on his fingers, incorrectly. People don’t tend to be good at numbers when drunk. “Not to mention all the human refuse just sitting at the bottom! Shipwrecks and un-detonated naval bombs and the like.” He made a _kaboom_ sound, puffing out his cheeks.

“I _Quite_ agree Peter.” Simon chimed. He took another sip of his fourth glass of wine. Simon wasn’t exactly a lightweight drinker, and could handle more than a few bottles before getting anywhere close to blackout. He had a few hundred years to build up a tolerance to the stuff. 

Elias returned with a box full of folded scraps of paper. He clicked a button on his sleeve, causing the eyes on his jumper to light up. 

“Time to draw for the secret santa everyone! I have all our names in here, just pick out a paper.” He went around the room, allowing each person to draw. Elias had to hand a random slip of paper to Helen, because her hands couldn’t fit in the box. Knowing exactly who was left, be pulled the last remaining name.

“Alright, that settles it. You have this week to get your victim- I mean _partner_ a nice gift. And no, it can’t be lethal.”

“Oh god, I don’t like this.” Jon blurted, reading the name on his paper. _Elias._

“I’m sure whoever you’re paired with will be just fine, Jon.” Elias adopted the same tone he had used telepathically, pointed and mischievous.

***

The week passed rather easily. It was dull, and aside from Elias constantly wearing that stupid christmas jumper, nothing was out of the ordinary. In fact, it was _too_ ordinary. Usually something weird would have happened by then.

Elias called everyone to congregate in the break room, which still had the tacky decorations and music. Once again, the avatars were here, each holding their respective gifts. 

“Good to see you all again! Now, let’s cut right to the chase. What did you all get each other?”

“Wait, that's not how a secret santa works!” Martin said. “It’s supposed to be anonymous and the receiver guesses-“

“Well I’m _so_ sorry Martin but ‘random paired gift exchange’ didn’t have the same ring to it.” 

“...right then.” 

Annabelle raised her hand.

“I’d like to go first.”

“Proceed!”

“Here Nikola, I thought you might enjoy this genre.” she handed her a flat, thinly wrapped packet. Ripping it open, Nikola discovered it was a vinyl record. The cover was decorated to look vintage, and said _“Swing Republic.”_

“Oooh! What is it?”

“Electro-swing music! It combines new and old things together!”

“Just like me!” Nikola smiled, leading Annabelle to do the same.

“Just like you.” 

Nikola reached into her hat and pulled out an old book. 

“Is this...Charlotte’s web?” Annabelle asked as it was handed to her.

“Yes! I just love that spider. _Salutations!_ It was the first time I’d ever heard about that greeting.” 

Annabelle forced a smile, and gingerly took the novel from Ms. Orsinov.

“ _Thanks._ ” she replied in a stilted tone. She loved spiders dearly, but sometimes she just wanted a break from the whole aesthetic. Maybe she just wanted scented candles for christmas! Maybe some fuzzy socks! But alas, she was doomed to only receive spider-related things. 

~~~

“You...aren’t holding anything Simon.” Helen stated as the old man presented his gift.

“That’s because what I bought you was too big.”

“ _Too_ big?”

“An Ikea!”

“Wait, like the furniture? What, did you get me a chair called a ‘lügdenvurger’ or something?”

“No, no Helen, I bought an entire Ikea! The building, just for you.”

“ _An entire Ikea store????_ ”

“You of all people can appreciate how big, twisty, and confusing those are! Just add a dash of the Spiral and you will feel quite at home.”

“Maybe you’re onto something…”

She distracted herself considering the possibilities of turning an entire ikea building into a temple of madness.

“What do you have for me Helen?”

“Ah—right!” She snapped out of her fantasies and handed the old man a dvd copy of “Howl’s Moving Castle.” It wasn’t wrapped, aside from a decorative bow. The patterns on it moved around in all kinds of garish colors.

“Is this one of those... _what do the kids call it these days..._ anim-ays?”

“Well yes, but this one’s a film. It’s about this guy with a _huge_ moving castle and there’s also this girl named Sophie who is cursed by a witch because she-“

“I don’t understand, but thank you Helen.” Simon reached up and patted her on the shoulder kindly, shutting her up. 

~~~

Peter wanted to leave. He did _not_ like the “world’s best dad” mug Martin had given him, and he _certainly_ didn’t like the look on Elias’s smug face. Fog began to surround the sailor, and before Elias could even grab his arm, Peter was already gone. Laying on the floor where Peter was sitting, Martin saw the left behind gift. It was wrapped neatly, although the paper was inside out. He shrugged, and opened it.

“Woah!”

He held in his hands a special edition animal crossing themed switch. There was a sticky note attached to the front that read:

_Spending all your time in a town full of people that don’t actually exist was the loneliest thing I could think of._

_Hope you die alone,_

_\- Peter._

“How did he know I’ve been saving up for one of these?” 

“A little bird may have tipped him off.” Elias confessed. “I mean, come on. He was just going to get you tea. Boring, right?”

“Well then how did _you_ kn-” Martin stopped. This was Elias he was talking to. Of course he knew. He probably planned it from the start.

~~~

“NO WAY!” Georgie shouted. She held up a hoodie with the _What The Ghost?_ mascot decorating the front, and put it on immediately. “Oh it’s so soft! Melanie, where did you get this?” 

“Well I noticed there was this website where you could design your own hoodies, and I wanted to see what I could do!”

“It’s wonderful.” 

Georgie handed Melanie a light box. The contents rattled a bit as she took it. Opening it, she saw that it was a box of assorted chocolates.

“I know this isn’t a huge fancy gesture like a vinyl or an...entire Ikea, but I know you really like dark chocolate. It’s the least I can do.”

“Aw Georg.” Melanie hugged her tightly, being careful not to crush the box. 

“ _I’m totally gonna share these with you later.”_ She whispered into Georgie’s ear. 

~~~

“Well then, it’s just you and me Elias.”

“So it is.” he grinned like a fox. “Me first!”

Elias stood up and walked over to a cupboard near the breakroom’s sink. He reached in and grabbed the gift before walking back and giving it to Jon. It was a carved wooden bobble head of jonah magnus with strikingly vibrant eyes. Jon grimaced.

“...I would ask _why_ but unfortunately I already...know.”

“I just thought you would find it inspiring in regards to your work here as the Archivist. A little Jonah to sit on your desk and monitor your progress.”

“Both that and the bobble are creepy as hell.”

“What did you get me Jon?” Elias said, dodging the statement.

Jon reached into his pocket and handed his boss a gift card with a flat expression on his face. 

“Fifteen quid at Barnes and Noble.”

“Jon…….”

“What?”

“I can’t read.”

“You… _what?_ ”

“I cannot read.”

“You would have had to read at least _something_ considering how you manage the archives.”

“No, Rosie does that for me.”

“Then this is useless I guess.” Jon said, glaring down at the little green card. 

“Not entirely.” Elias plucked the card from Jon’s hand. “They have these things called _manga_ you see. Mostly pictures, and there's far less words. That way it doesn’t put as much of a strain to _know_ things enjoyably.”

“You use your powers to know what words say because you’re illiterate?”

“Correct.”

Jon couldn’t handle this. He fell to his knees, head in his hands. The man he hated most, that weasel, that bastard that trapped he and his colleagues in the godforsaken institute...was illiterate. 

“Jon are you _crying?_ ” Martin put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Manga, Martin…. he reads _manga_.” 

“Probably where his fashion sense came from.” Said Georgie. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. Elias wrinkled his nose at the comment.

“Okay Christmas is cancelled. You all may go back to hating each other.”

And with that, he left the breakroom.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a gift to someone and it was very fun to write!
> 
> Also credit for the Ikea Idea goes to @Jaybarow on tumblr!


End file.
